First, the gossip:
[What I meant to say is ‘the occurrence which was the inspiration for today’s post’, because we absolutely do not gossip here! 🤪😇]
Last week, I was having lunch with an old friend. {Old in the sense that we’ve known each other forever, not that she’s ancient. 🙃😁} And that’s when she told me that she had found herself a new beau.
Now, I was initially pleased to hear this, because it had been more than three years since her divorce and she had been extremely timid about dipping her toe back into ‘the cesspool that is the over-forty dating scene’ {<<< her words, not mine! 🤡🤣}. But then Missy Ma’am told me that said new relationship has been challenging for her because said new beau is a ‘fixer-upper’.
Of course, I choked on my potato salad once my brain registered what she’d just said. And then I choked on my soda while I was trying to quell the choking on my potato salad because my brain replayed what she’d just said.
However, the longer we talked, the less excited I became about this new relationship.
Apparently Mr. New Beau is the jealous and insecure type, ostensibly because he had been deeply hurt in a previous relationship and that pain has left scars on his heart which may never fully heal. So, upon his request and in order to make him feel more secure about their relationship, my friend has granted this man whom she’s known for all of four months access to both her phone and her laptop in order to prove that she can be trusted not to break his heart again.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with granting someone access to your phone and your laptop if you so choose. My Marcy-Marc has access to both of mine, and vice versa. BUT … It’s not because we’re trying to prove anything to the other. And that’s where the problem started for me.
To me, this was a huge red flag which my friend was blithely choosing to ignore.
You see, she didn’t willingly grant him access to these personal gadgets because she knows she has nothing to hide and therefore doesn’t care if he sees who she’s been texting with about what. She only did it because he asked her to, and she felt that it was necessary for her to comply in order to prove herself to him.
But my question is this: Where will it end?
If this previous relationship left him so jaded that he no longer trusts anyone and feels that he needs to have access to her personal gadgets in order to reassure himself that she’s not doing anything sus behind his back, how long will it be before he feels the need to accompany her everywhere in order to make sure she isn’t secretly meeting up with some other dude behind his back? And how long after that before he starts accusing her of acting nefariously at the one place that he’s unable to accompany her – her job?
The thing is, jealous and insecure people don’t need you to give them a reason to feel jealous and insecure. Regardless of what you do, they are typically so bogged down by their own hang-ups that they’ll construct potential scenarios in their minds, and these imaginings are often enough to trigger their jealousy.
I remember another friend whose husband was working on a project with a female engineer at his firm, and my friend would drive herself insane wondering what they were doing at the office after hours. But here’s the thing: by assuming that these two people were engaging in an illicit affair, she was not only displaying how little faith and trust she had in both her husband and their marriage, but also making negative assumptions about this female engineer, supposing that she would willingly sleep with a man she knew was married.
Long story short, my friend would call her husband every five minutes whenever he worked late, which eventually led to him calling her out about her constant calling because it was distracting him from his job, and this in turn led to a lot of arguing and fighting which ultimately led to marriage counseling. And all because her vivid imagination pictured her husband dropping trou and chasing his female coworker around the desk with the bizness slapping against his thighs; his female coworker who, as it turned out, was in a serious relationship and actually got engaged to her boyfriend just before they completed the project. 🙄😩
And in the case of my first friend, I do not see this situation getting any better.
The fact that her new beau requested this access to what are typically private gadgets is actually a form of both manipulation and control – he thinks that if he can see who she’s been talking to, he can control the situation and thus avoid being cheated on and being hurt again; and he has effectively guilted her into granting his request by capitalizing on both her attraction to him and her desire to make their relationship work, as well as exploiting her sympathy over his previous hurt.
But my next question is this: How exactly does he plan to control the situation if his jealousy and insecurity eventually convince him that her text messages with a co-worker are too flirty, or that there’s something illicit going on between her and a friend from the gym?
So, I’ll tell you the same thing I told my friend: You should never allow yourself to settle for a ‘fixer-upper’.
Unlike a home which can be beautifully renovated if you invest enough time and money and effort, you cannot ‘fix’ another person, especially if they are unaware or unwilling to admit that there is a problem to begin with. Only that person can ‘fix’ themself. Only that person can, through introspection, come to recognize and accept that their behaviours or beliefs are inherently flawed, and then conscientiously and systematically work toward repairing whatever was damaged or broken within them, whether that be an insecurity, an unaddressed trauma, etc.
Now, here again don’t get me wrong. I didn’t say that you should abandon ship because of one little hole in the hull in your relationship. Not at all.
Marc and I have sprung numerous leaks over the years, especially in our early days, and there were quite a few times when we were both tempted to jump into our little lifeboats and watch the ship sink from a safe distance. But we recognized that there was potential for something long-term and rewarding if we could manage to keep our love boat afloat, so we worked together to patch the holes and make our hull watertight once more; and while we’ll both readily admit that our relationship is far from perfect, it is perfect for us. 😍
HOWEVER …
We each worked on ourself individually, in addition to the work that we collectively put into our relationship, in order to create this imperfectly perfect union. We didn’t sit back and wait for the other to ‘fix’ us.
And this is what I fear my friend is not recognizing – that no matter how much access she grants her new beau, or how perfect a girlfriend she tries to be, she will never be able to ‘fix’ his jealousy and insecurity.
So, as we move forward in our year of self-care and self-improvement, I’d like to share a few inspiring quotes about knowing your worth and never settling for less than you deserve.
“Know who you are.
Know what you want.
Know what you deserve.
And never settle for less.”
~ Tony Gaskins
“Your self-worth is determined by you.
You don’t have to depend on someone
to tell you who you are.”
~ Beyoncé
“You have to believe in yourself
when no one else does.”
~ Serena Williams
“Never dull your shine for somebody else.”
~ Tyra Banks
“Inhale confidence. Exhale doubt.”
~ Alex Toussaint
“If you put up with it, you’re going to end up with it.
Set the standard you want, and don’t settle for less.”
~ Steve Maraboli
“Never confuse what you’re offered
with what you’re worth.”
~ Heidi Namken
“Relationships fail because people take
their own insecurities and try and twist them
into their partner’s flaws.”
~ Baylor Barbee
“The wrong person will give you
less than what you’re worth,
but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept it.”
~ Sonya Parker
“Love cannot live where there is no trust.”
~ Edith Hamilton
Until next time …
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