To give the question a bit more context, I want to add that Allison specifically mentioned a certain rap icon who is credited with sparking the evolution of his soon-to-be ex-wife’s fashion sense, and questioned whether this kind of ‘influence’ was healthy in a relationship given his apparent attempt to replicate this undertaking with his current flame.
Now, in fairness to Kanye, it wasn’t like he broke into Kim’s house in the middle of the night and tossed out her clothes without her knowledge. She agreed to the fashion makeover. It was what she wanted. Granted, it was in part due to his criticism of her then fashion sense [I believe she said on her show “He told me I have the worst style.” Um, harsh!!!], but ultimately it was still her decision to accept his ‘help’. And let’s be honest, the woman just won a Fashion Icon award, so the decision to overhaul her wardrobe turned out to be a huge plus.
Sadly, I don’t see the same path in his current flame’s future.
Love her or hate her, Kim K became a worldwide obsession during her time on the party scene with Paris Hilton, and her TV show (among other ventures) only served to fan that flame. Plus, her killer curves helped to usher in a new age of beauty standards, together with other ‘bootylicious’ queens’ like Beyoncé and JLo. However, while Ye’s new lady is undeniably beautiful, she doesn’t inspire the same global fascination that his estranged wife did, at least not in the same way. Thus, I honestly don’t foresee her having the mass appeal and the presence required to draw practically every big-name designer to her camp, given that their ultimate goal in dressing a celeb is to get as many eyes on their designs in the most favorable way.
But, who knows? We can’t predict the future, so there is always the possibility that could all change.
Anyways… we won’t go any further into the Why’s behind Kanye doing Kanye as that’ll probably take up the rest of this post. Suffice it to say, his actions seem to typically stem from a Jesus (or in his case, a ‘Yeezus’ 😉) complex; and, while his heart may often be in the right place, allowing one partner absolute control in a relationship is generally not healthy, nor is it sustainable in the long run.
{Mind you, I am not a psychiatrist. Nor do I know any of these people personally. Thus, my opinions are merely that; and are based off of what we saw on KUWTK and on their socials, together with what is ‘reported’ online.}
But if your partner says they want you to change something, the first thing you need to do is objectively question whether that suggestion comes from a place of love or one of control.
In other words, don’t just jump on your high horse and declare to everyone within earshot “They should love me as I am!”
Stop and ask yourself if the something they want you to change is for your own betterment, and whether it will be beneficial to you in the long run.
For example, if your partner suggests nixing the take-out dinners in favor of more home-cooked meals, don’t automatically assume they think you’re fat and need to lose weight, or that they’re too cheap to spring for a pizza. There is also the possibility that they recognize the benefits of a more well-balanced diet, and the suggestion is actually coming from a place of love, a desire for you both to embark upon a healthier lifestyle.
Story time ->
Everyone who knows me knows that back in the day I viewed the speed limit as more of a friendly suggestion rather than the actual law, a practice which was not only exceedingly foolish and dangerous but also completely illegal. So, needless to say, I wasn’t exactly thrilled when one of my exes decided to criticize my driving by daring to suggest I slow down. 👀🙄🤬
Me being the hot-headed twenty-something-year-old I was, I immediately pulled the car over whilst shrieking at him “If you don’t like my driving, feel free to get out!!!” And I thought I’d won that fight considering he subsequently avoided further comment on my driving.
Until the day I slammed head-first into a Hilux that breached a red light and totalled my poor little car. (Mercifully I walked away with only a few minor scratches. 🙏) But the point is, I was too arrogant back then to realize that his suggestion was in fact genuine concern for my safety (and his! 😅), and instead viewed it as him trying to tell me what to do.
So if your partner suggests something they would like you to change, look at the something they’re asking you to change from neutral eyes. Ask yourself if the suggestion is in fact constructive criticism. No one likes hearing negative things about themselves, but the simple truth is that none of us are perfect, and there are bits and pieces of each of us upon which we could improve in order to be the best version of ourselves.
However, if your partner suggests you throw out your crocs because they don’t like the shoes, that’s another story.
Some people will view this as controlling. Others will maintain that they are simply voicing their opinion, and that the choice ultimately lies with you to toss the shoes or not.
However, you know your partner better than anyone else. You are the only one who can rightly judge if this is a casual suggestion, or a “Do as I say!” situation. If it’s the first, then the choice is yours to make: follow their advice, or not. If it’s the second, the choice is still yours to make as only you know what is best for your relationship.
But beware, as allowing someone that kind of control over something as inconsequential as your shoes usually proves a gateway to greater domination. People who exercise such heavy-handed control over simple things like what their partners wear also tend to desire that same unmitigated control over every aspect of a relationship: from your living situation to your career to the people with whom you’re ‘allowed’ to associate.
I personally find the term ‘control freak’ distasteful as it carries the connotation that the person is some sort of defective aberration, which makes it extremely problematic considering control issues typically stem from deeper issues which are in fact quite common, such as a personality disorder or an obsessive-compulsive disorder. But, this is how society labels a person with control issues. And while it can be helpful to realize that the desire to control every minute aspect of something is often the result of that person’s own anxieties and fears, it doesn’t make living under such a situation feel any less oppressive or toxic.
How can you tell if your partner has control issues?
These are some of the most common signs:
- They don’t work well with others: People with control issues tend to micromanage every aspect of a project, and generally have difficulty taking advice from or delegating responsibility to others as they believe that no one but they are capable of accomplishing said project ‘correctly’.
- They are constantly correcting others: Similar to the ‘grammar police’, someone with control issues feels the need to correct others’ mistakes, and in doing so will typically become bogged down by the minutia of something. In the same vein, they are usually riled by ambivalence, and tend to focus on an obscurity easily dismissed by others with laser-like precision.
- They consistently offer oft-unsolicited advice: People with control issues genuinely believe their way is the best. Thus, they view their advice as a benevolent attempt to help others rather than an attempt to change someone, and they typically tend to become offended / enraged when those people don’t take their advice.
- They will not admit when they’re wrong: Rather than acknowledge that they were wrong about something, someone with control issues will typically argue their point to the bitter end, often regurgitating an argument in an attempt to have that coveted ‘last word’. They may even unconsciously resort to gaslighting you into believing that they were right.
What can you do if your partner has control issues?
It can be stressful living with someone who has control issues, but there are ways for you maintain your relationship without entirely giving up control over yourself and your life.
Of course, if your partner is controlling to the degree that they become abusive and violent when they are ‘defied’, then you’re dealing with a highly toxic and potentially life-threatening situation, one which you need to get out of ASAP. If you find yourself in such a situation, family, friends, or even social services like women’s shelters can help to get you out of an unsafe environment; so please don’t be afraid to speak up and ask for help if your current living situation is a dangerous one.
However, if your partner has control issues which you are willing to abide, there are some simple things you can do to help make your living situation less stressful:
- Maintain a tension-free environment: Because control issues typically stem from a person’s fears / anxieties, ensuring that your home is a safe space for them can help to mitigate some of their controlling behavior. Threatening to walk out on your relationship if they don’t change their ways will only exacerbate those fears and anxieties, which will in turn lead to them trying even harder to control everything. Instead, nurture the idea that your home is a safe space for them, which will help to reduce their anxiety and in turn moderate their need for control.
- Give in on the irrelevant issues: Don’t get caught up in trying to control what your controlling partner can control. If it’s of no consequence in the grand scheme of things, simply ignore it. Let them rearrange the fridge, or the whole damned house, if it makes them happy. Here it’s important to note that since most of us have no control over what happens at the office, people with control issues may feel resentful of their jobs / bosses, and as such they may try even harder to govern the facets of their life over which they do have some control. In other words, a hard day at the office may lead to a partner with control issues being hyper-fixated on ‘correcting’ everything when they get home. Understanding what is driving their need can help to guide your response in such a situation, as well as help you to process and ultimately let go of any irritation or resentment their behavior may engender.
- Know your limits and enforce them: People with control issues generally want to control every aspect of not only their life but also the lives of the people around them. Setting clear-cut boundaries and standing your ground when they are tested can help to reduce the friction caused when dealing with someone who has control issues. Let your partner know in a calm yet decisive manner that your business / blog / skincare routine / whatever is strictly yours to manage. When speaking about it, be authoritative, and don’t allow any room for outside input. Instead of saying “I’m thinking about doing X, Y, or Z.” tell them “I’m going to do X, Y, or Z.” However, try to avoid using an aggressive ‘No’ if they do offer unsolicited advice. For someone with control issues, this can be tantamount to you picking a fight. Instead, employ a roundabout ‘No’ such as “I hear you, but it would be better to do X for X-reason.”
- Lean on your emotional support system: Living with someone who has control issues can be extremely taxing, both mentally and emotionally. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your family and friends for some emotional support whenever it’s needed. Many of us are hesitant about sharing our problems with the people around us because we’re afraid that they’ll judge us and talk about us behind our backs. But you can lessen that risk by creating an intimate support circle of your most trusted family members and friends, or restricting your support system to one BFF. And let them know upfront that what you are seeking is a shoulder to lean on rather than a fountain of advice, or it can end up feeling like you’re in the same situation of being controlled by your support system.
But that’s my take on the subject. Feel free to let me know if you agree / disagree in the comments.
Until next time…
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