“The family drama may
look and sound different
from generation to generation,
but all toxic patterns are
remarkably similar in their outcome:
pain and suffering.”
~ Susan Forward, Toxic Parents:
Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy
and Reclaiming Your Life

Ever notice that when someone says they’re cutting off contact with a family member (especially a parent), people always ‘tsk tsk’ at them, as if they’re commiting some heinous crime, but hardly anyone ever asks ‘What did that person do to make you arrive at this decision?” I mean, let’s keep it real: Putting family above everything else may be all well and good for the mobsters in a TV crime drama, but out here in the real world, sometimes it’s necessary for us to say ‘Enough is enough’.

So, what has Mandy’s knickers in a twist this time? Well, Imma tell ya:

A while back, I attended a birthday lunch for a friend at which her mother was also a guest, and I developed an intense dislike for that woman within the first two minutes of meeting her. And the only reason I didn’t tell her exactly what I actually thought of her right then and there was because I care about her daughter, thus I had no desire to further ruin my friend’s celebration by acting the fool and creating a scene.

Problem #1: Miss Thang went from telling me that she thought I was pretty and how much she liked my outfit to saying that she’s tired of telling her daughter that she needs to ‘fix herself up more’; so, what started off as a compliment to me turned into a disparaging remark about her child. Problem #2: Said birthday lunch was held at TGI Fridays, a perfectly lovely restaurant with great food and even greater cocktails, but Miss High n Mighty had the audacity to ‘apologize’ for the chosen location by cackling like a deranged hyena as she informed me that her daughter ‘wouldn’t really fit in’ had we gone to a five-star restaurant. Problem #3: Miss Heart of Gold then proceeded to inform me that she appreciated me putting my own life on hold to show up for her daughter’s lunch, in the same way she had been forced to skip her usual Sunday brunch with her neighbor in order to celebrate the birth of her only child.

And, of course, it didn’t get any better. Mama tried to convince everyone in attendance to order the Chicken Alfredo because it’s what she always gets whenever she dines there, so apparently it’s the only item on their extensive menu that’s worthy of consumption. She also felt it necessary to comment on everyone’s drink orders, making ‘jokes’ about who could ‘hold their liquor like a man’ because they ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, and who was having ‘dessert masquerading as a cocktail’ because they ordered a Mudslide, because clearly we’re far too uncouth to imbibe sparkling white wine like her. And, as if all of that wasn’t bad enough, she then proceeded to make her birthday toast all about her, detailing for us how hard it was to raise a daughter as a single parent and how much she had sacrificed for said daughter.

Can you say ‘narcissistic parent’?

So, why am I bringing this up now, more than three months after the birthday luncheon in question. Well, Imma tell ya that too:

I recently had lunch with my friend again – nothing fancy, just a quick bite in the food court at the mall – and she informed me in a quiet and somewhat embarrassed whisper that she was no longer on speaking terms with her mother; and I’m not ashamed to admit it – at that point, I cheered loudly enough to startle the poor people at the tables next to ours.

And before you “But, Mandy, it’s her mother.” me, let me say this; The somewhat mousey friend I’ve known for almost a year was a completely different human being the last time I saw her! Gone was the timid and reserved woman I first met, and in her place was a more confident young lady who was radiating queen energy. It was as if the dark cloud which had been hovering over her had vanished, and she was finally able to step into the sunlight and shine!

But you want to know the funniest part? After my friend went through her personal transformation, chucking the simple wardrobe and hairstyles in favor of something with more pizazz, the same woman who had previously denigrated her for ‘not fixing herself up more’ suddenly decided that she was ‘too full of herself’. Per my friend’s amused admission, her mother out of the blue decided that she had become vain and self-centered, as evidenced by the change in her appearance. Turns out, Miss Mama was so upset by the fact that my friend had finally done exactly as she had been not-so-subtly suggesting that Miss Mama suddenly realized she had no desire to entertain a relationship with her ‘new’ daughter.

Make it make sense, please!!! 🙄😂🤡

“Want to see how you feel about yourself?
Look at who you choose to surround yourself with.”
~ Jennifer Ho

Too often, we don’t even realize the emotional abuse and trauma we suffer at the hands of those who are supposed to love us unconditionally. We fall into the trap of believing that if we try just a little harder to please that person, that they’ll finally see us as worthy and accept us for who we are. But the truth is, getting a systematic abuser to change their behavior is the anomaly rather than the norm, and no matter how hard we try, the vast majority of us will never be able to cross that threshold to gain that person’s acceptance, because every time we begin to close the gap, they move it a little further back by changing the rules of what is ‘acceptable’, just like my friend’s mother.

And then there are those of us who recognize the signs and know deep down that the relationship is slowly sucking the joy out of our lives, but we’re unable to break free for one reason or another, whether it be a sense of obligation to an aging and ailing parent, or a dependency on them because we’re still living at home, or the financial relief of having them babysit the kids, or any number of other reasons. We know that we’re stuck in that state of limbo, wanting to break free but unable to run away because our feet are tethered to them, so we swallow the heartache and we pretend that it’s not affecting us, or we harden ourselves to lessen the damage inflicted by their hurtful actions.

But at the end of the day, we’re essentially placing our self-worth in that person’s hands. We’re allowing them to set the value not only on our time and efforts, but also on how we see ourselves, and the reason they’re able to do this is because their toxic behaviors slowly erode our self-esteem to the point that we judge our worth based on the level of their approval that we gain.

Although it may seem like a harsh and drastic move to some, sometimes cutting people out of our lives is the only way for us to free ourselves from the merry-go-round of trying to please a toxic family member or narcissistic abuser. And it doesn’t mean that we don’t still care about that person, or that we won’t miss them. It simply means that we’ve finally arrived at a point where we’re no longer willing to suffer in silence because we’re afraid of how that person will react, where we recognize that no one can determine our self-worth but us, and where we’re able to prioritize our inner peace and joy – and yes, even our very sanity – over the other person’s desire to control us.

So, to end our post, I’m going to share a few thought-provokiong quotes about (dealing with) toxic families:

“You’re allowed to hold your family at arm’s length –
family can be toxic, family can be abusive,
family can belittle you, invalidate you,
or make you feel unsafe –
AND you don’t need to explain yourself
to anyone who disagrees.“

~ Amanda Lovelace, Break Your Glass Slippers

“Some people say that family is family, blood is blood.
But I say that toxic is toxic,
and no one is more important than my inner peace,
even if it means I lose them for good.”

~ Emily McIntire, Twisted

“There is healing in telling.
There is healing in exposing abuse.
There is healing in being truthful.
There is healing in knowing you are not to blame.
There is healing in standing up for yourself.
There is healing in setting boundaries.
There is healing in self-love.”

~ Dana Arcuri, Soul Cry:
Releasing & Healing the Wounds of Trauma

“Because emotional abuse is impossible to prove,
we often have an incredibly difficult time
describing or putting into words what exactly
has happened to us that is so bad.
We know things were not or are not normal,
but we don’t know why.”

~ Sherrie Campbell, But It’s Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties with
Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

“Toxic parents impose unobtainable goals,
impossible expectations, and ever-changing rules
on their children.
They expect their children to respond
with a degree of maturity
that can come only from life experiences
that are inaccessible to a child.”

~ Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy
and Reclaiming Your Life

“Nobody goes no contact with
a loving, caring, gentle, safe family.
They end toxic relationships because
all the other alternatives
were exhausted and unsuccessful.
They broke connections to abusive people
because it was their last resort.“

~ Dana Arcuri, Toxic Siblings: A Survival Guide
to Rise Above Sibling Abuse & Heal Trauma

“LIVE TO YOUR OWN DEFINITION OF ENOUGH.
You can at least please yourself.
If your expectation is ‘pleasing others,’
you have no control over doing so,
because the toxic personality will keep redefining
the standard in such a way
that you can never measure up.”

~ John Lund, How to Hug a Porcupine

“We unconsciously gravitate toward
relationships and situations that are familiar to us
because we know how to deal with them.
As children, we don’t recognize,
or at least we don’t want to acknowledge,
the flaws in our parents, because seeing them
as flawed or substandard is scary.
But by denying the painful truth about our parents,
we aren’t able to recognize similarly hurtful people
in our future relationships.”

~ Sherrie Campbell, But It’s Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties
with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

“This toxic pattern within the broken family system
will continue from one generation to the next,
until one brave survivor finally ends the cycle of abuse.
The dysfunction, bullying, and abuse didn’t start with you,
but it most certainly can end with you.“

~ Dana Arcuri, Soul Rescue: How to Break Free
From Narcissistic Abuse & Heal Trauma

“Adult children of toxic parentS
have an especially difficult time with their anger
because they grew up in families where
emotional expression was discouraged.
Anger was something only parents
had the privilege of displaying.”

~ Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy
and Reclaiming Your Life

“The longer we ignore red flags,
pretend they don’t exist,
the more we disconnect from ourselves.”

~ Sherrie Campbell, But It’s Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties with
Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

“Family isn’t always blood…
I was lucky enough
to have a woman Take me as her child
and teach me what family really is.
We didnt have much,
but we had each other.”

~ Christine Feehan, Toxic Game

“It’s perplexing how family members
claim their undying love for us.
They can say whatever they choose,
but their actions and behaviors
don’t match their words.”

~ Dana Arcuri, Soul Rescue: How to Break Free
From Narcissistic Abuse & Heal Trauma

“I don’t hate them;
I just don’t understand
why people feel the need
to try over and over
with toxic family members.”

~ Victoria Helen Stone, Jane Doe

“It is important to understand
that loving someone doesn’t always mean
having a relationship with that person,
just like forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation.”

~ Sherrie Campbell, But It’s Your Family . . .: Cutting Ties with
Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

“The tradition of passing trauma
from generation to generation
like a family heirloom
stops with you –
its final inheritor,
determined to lay it to rest.”

~ Zara Bas, This Time You Save Yourself

“An overload on emotional capacity is the reason
people get to the point where they feel
they cannot continue to stay in a relationship,
remain at the same place of employment,
continue in a one-sided friendship,
struggle with the pressures created by a harmful spouse,
try to meet unrealistic toxic family obligations,
or whatever else might be at the core of
an ‘I can’t do this anymore’ statement.”

~ Shannon Thomas, Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through
the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

“Sometimes the people who are
supposed to love you the most
are the ones who hurt you the worst.
They don’t get a pass
just because they’re familY.
Choose yourself.”

~ Natasha Bishop, Only for the Week

“Sometimes you have to let go
of what is killing you,
even when it’s killing you to let go.”

~ Sherrie Campbell, Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members:
Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism,
and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut

“Without communication, there is no relationship.
Without respect, there is no love.
Without trust, there is no reason to continue.”

~ Karen Salmansohn

Until next time …

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