I’m guessing this one was inspired by the comments that began swirling online after reports surfaced that a certain beauty mogul started dating a not-quite-as-famous-as-herself comedian… 😁 And I suppose the answer would depend on what one considers ‘out of their league’.

Personally I don’t subscribe to the concept. By stating that someone is ‘out of his/her league’, we are in fact diminishing not only that person’s worth as a human being but also the value of what they can bring to a relationship.

Likewise, when we start believing that someone is out of our own league, we are actually stating that we are not worthy of that person, that we have nothing of value to offer them. And, from where I stand, that kind of thinking resides in the suburbs of an inferiority complex. [APA defines the term inferiority complex as a basic feeling of inadequacy and insecurity, deriving from actual or imagined physical or psychological deficiency.]

Thus bringing us back around to the question: How does one define ‘out of their league’?

Sadly, the criteria we ‘examine’ in order to arrive at this presumption most often falls within the realm of the superficial: looks, popularity, wealth, social status, etc. However, while these are the yardsticks typically used to measure a person’s ‘attractiveness’ or ‘suitability’, they are in reality not the aspects which make / break a relationship.

First off, the saying ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ exists for a reason.

What may be ‘ugly’ or ‘unattractive’ to one person can be desirable in the eyes of another. It all depends on our personal concept of ‘beauty’. For example: My partner loves colorful sneakers, and would not hesitate to don a pair with bright orange / pink patches; I consider such footwear to be what old-time Trinis called ‘coskel’ (ostentatious to the point it borders upon gaudy/tacky), and thus I only buy gray sneakers. We each have our personal preference when it comes to our sneaker style, but that doesn’t make one sneaker more or less worthy than the other.

The same is true for the beauty in human beings. One person may consider high cheekbones more attractive while another prefers a rounded face. One person may find someone of average height more attractive while another prefers someone much taller than they. What we define as ‘beauty’ comes down to nothing more than our personal preference, but that doesn’t automatically make body types / facial features which fall outside of our preference ‘unattractive’.  

Therefore, appraising someone as ‘out of his/her league’ based solely on looks subscribes to the premise that both parties have the same concept of beauty as you. And that’s rather presumptuous, wouldn’t you say?

Then there’s the question of popularity.

I’m sure we’ve all heard the idea expressed in one form or another: We can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.

People often mistake ‘lonely’ to mean the physical state of being alone. However, APA defines loneliness as affective and cognitive discomfort or uneasiness from being or perceiving oneself to be alone or otherwise solitary. In layman’s terms, it means a feeling of emotional isolation, of being separate or disconnected from others even if those people are physically in the same place as you.

Therefore, the notion that someone is ‘out of his/her league’ because that person is surrounded by more people or is more popular on social media also holds no water. People connect on an intellectual and emotional level, not based on the number of Tiktok followers they have. So a person who likes daisies can be surrounded by hundreds of rose-lovers and yet feel completely isolated – until they meet that someone who shares their appreciation for the often-underrated flower.

And last but not least are the scales of wealth and social status.

These two are actually more utilitarian than any other given the fact that today’s society is practically teeming with what we call ‘gold diggers’ and ‘clout chasers’.

The sad reality is that there are many people who would willingly become intimately involved with someone wealthy / famous not out of any genuine affection for that person. Their motive is merely to benefit from the privileges which that person’s money can offer, or in the hopes that doing so will bring them some measure of fame as well. For instance, let’s say a rich and famous musician starts dating a receptionist. Clearly their economic and social statuses are not in sync, so people automatically begin to wonder if the receptionist has an ulterior agenda.

Therefore, it’s important, though often easier said than done, to ascertain what a person’s true intentions are in situations such as this. But does having a smaller bank account really mean that someone wealthy/famous is ‘out of his/her league’? Are we then saying that a person’s worth is solely measured by the numbers on their bank statement?

The truth is, the concept of ‘leagues’ is based on the various niches into which society attempts to pigeonhole us.

To illustrate just how ridiculous the entire concept is, I’d like us to take a quick look at one of the most influential and talked-about couples of our times: Bey and Jay. Hova is unquestionably the wealthier of the two. In fact, Forbes estimated his net worth in 2021 to be approximately $1billion over that of his wife. Yet Mrs. Carter is quite likely one of the most well-known and beloved human beings of all time. In fact, I dare say that through their early collabs, Beyoncé introduced Jay-Z to a whole new audience who might not otherwise have appreciated his lyrical genius. But would anyone say that either one of them is out of the other’s league? I think not.

The reality is that none of these superficial factors possess the ability to single-handedly destroy a relationship.

DivorceNet listed the top eight reasons couples file for divorce, and not one of them was ‘out of his/her league’.

After a Lack of Commitment to the marriage, the second most common reason for divorce was the infamous Irreconcilable Differences, which couples defined as ‘growing apart’. This some may choose to argue as supporting the premise that one party was in a relationship with someone ‘out of his/her league’. But the reality is that Irreconcilable Differences most often refers to differing views and opinions on things such as religion, parenting, and marital responsibilities. It has nothing to do with looks or popularity.

In the spirit of full disclosure for those who didn’t read the article: Coming in at #5 on their list is ‘Financial Incompatibility’, which they define as “fights over money [which] usually stem from differences in priorities and values around financial decisions.” It should be noted though that they also specified “research has shown that couples with lower incomes are more likely to cite financial incompatibility as a major reason for getting divorced.“

So, does being in the same ‘league’ really ensure a perfect relationship?

We’ve all witnessed tons of Hollywood marriages/relationships which appeared perfect on paper eventually implode under the weight of ‘Irreconcilable Differences’. The same can often be said of those around us: friends’, family members’, perhaps even our own marriage/relationship. So the answer is clearly ‘No’: having a relationship with someone in the same ‘league’ as yourself is NOT a foolproof recipe for the success of said relationship.

One Love lists the five keys to a healthy relationship as:

1. Communication
2. Respect
3. Boundaries
4. Trust
5. Support

Nowhere did they mention anything about both parties being in the same ‘league’.

Couples bond on an intellectual and emotional level through shared / overlapping values, convictions, experiences, and goals. Thus, two people may appear to be the proverbial ‘odd couple’ to the uninformed onlooker, but what is not readily visible to that outsider is the connection that those two people may have developed as the result of like mindsets and attitudes.

Therefore, to finally answer Sandra’s question, I would have to say that I don’t consider people to be outside of anyone’s ‘league’; and the most important thing is that the person they’re in a relationship with treats them with the love and respect that they deserve.

But that’s my take on the subject. Feel free to let me know if you agree / disagree in the comments.

Until next time…

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