Not everything needs to be said, and not everything that is said needs to be said publicly.
If you’ve been keeping up with pop culture in general, you probably heard that Miz Lopez officially filed for divorce; and because JLo is seemingly someone who lives by the code ‘any publicity is good publicity’, everyone’s favorite diva chose to do so on the anniversary of their second wedding ceremony, no doubt not only as a message to her soon-to-be ex-husband but also because she knew that it would get tongues wagging even harder. And while TOD can’t officially be called on Bennifer 2.0 until that Decree Absolute goes into effect, I think it’s safe to say that no one is really surprised by any of this.
With the possible exception of Miz Lopez herself.
Per Entertainment Tonight, Jenny was allegedly caught off guard by how quickly her most recent husband ‘checked out of the marriage’, but I think if she really sat down and took a long, hard look at the what, when, and why, she wouldn’t be so shocked.
Jennifer Lopez loves being in the spotlight, and those who knew her back when have said that she has always been focused on and driven by her goal of becoming a ‘star’. Ben Affleck is the exact opposite, and has stated on multiple occasions that he does not appreciate the paparazzi’s constant hounding of him and his family.
In what I believe was a misguided, and dare I say ‘Gigli-esque’, attempt to capitalize on the public’s interest in her rekindled romance with her former fiance, Miz Lopez decided to showcase her new love with her old flame via film and musical tributes to this most monumental of backtracks. Unfortunately, neither had the impact she was expecting; hence the rebranding of her now-cancelled tour in an attempt to salvage it and the fact that both the movie and the documentary have more scathing reviews than positive ones.
What I think Mis Lopez failed to take into consideration is that it’s no longer 2003, and 1) the people who were gaga over her relationship with Ben back then are now middle-aged folks with more important things on their plate, who no longer have the time or energy to care who she is currently engaged / married to; and 2) the rise of social media and easy access to information in real time (especially about our fave celebs) meant that the whole world had already begun commenting on Ben’s ‘sad face’ – and speculating that there were issues plaguing their marriage – by the time she released her homage to their undying love, thus making it almost farcical that she would expect her efforts to be gobbled up by a public hungry for an inside look at this wondrous reunion of souls.
Add to that the fact that there were numerous delays in the release, and the public had officially lost interest by the time this trinity finally dropped.
You see, not every obstacle is meant to be overcome.
Sometimes, obstacles are put in our way to give us pause – to allow us time to stop and reflect so that we can see the error in our choices. And I believe this is what the universe tried to do here, but was unfortunately stymied by her determination to see it through.
The fact that no one in her camp either understood or encouraged her decision to personally fund this passion project, and that so many of her offers to be part of it were turned down, should have given her pause, and it should have encouraged her to reconsider not only the viability of this vision but also the impact that it would have on her young marriage, especially given the fact that her partner was clearly uncomfortable about the whole thing.
Her own husband even made a crack about the irony of her calling the documentary ‘The Greatest Love Story Never Told’ while recording an album about said love story, because that’s exactly what it should have been – Never Told.
You gotta keep some things to yourself!
How do you not recognize that it’s not only rude but downright disrespectful to share the private letters and emails you received from someone without their permission, especially when that person is now your husband? How do you not understand that someone who deeply values their privacy is obviously going to react negatively to having their private life put on display like a cut of meat in the butcher’s window?
Every healthy marriage is composed of walls and windows.
The windows are the aspects of your relationship that are open
to the world—that is, the necessary gaps through which
you interact with family and friends;
the walls are the barriers of trust behind which
you guard the most intimate secrets of your marriage.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage
By demolishing the walls in her relationship in order to create her multi-faceted passion project, Jennifer showed a blatant disregard for the boundaries which her husband had established for himself. So, to claim surprise after willfully violating your partner’s trust by sharing his most intimate and private thoughts and feelings with strangers – especially when both have admitted that the intense media scrutiny to which their first relationship was subjected played a major role in their split – would be laughable if it didn’t imply a complete lack of emotional cognizance on her part, not to mention a narcissistic lack of accountability.
But this, I believe, is merely an attempt at ‘saving face’ – a way of circumventing any admission of responsibility by placing culpability for the failure of the marriage at the other person’s feet; not unlike what feels like a desperate attempt to convince both her soon-to-be ex-husband and the rest of the world that she is wholly unfazed by her latest failed relationship, considering we’ve seen more of Jenny since her split from Ben than we did in the two years they were married.
The lesson to be learned from this sad story: Not everything is meant to be shared with everyone, especially if doing so negatively impacts those you love.
And while I can appreciate both Jennifer’s staunch belief that she is meant to have that forever love which we all desire and her resolution to never give up on finding it, and I support her fully in both and wish for that to someday be her reality, I am also saddened by the thought that she potentially had that very thing right there in the palm of her hand, yet she regrettably allowed it to slip through her fingers because she neglected to have her husband’s back by disregarding his boundaries and his desire for privacy.
So, as we continue our year of self-improvement, I’d like to end the post with a few quotes on … you guessed it … the value of privacy and the importance of boundaries:
“Privacy is not something that I’m merely entitled to;
it’s an absolute prerequisite.”
~ Marlon Brando
“Privacy is power.
What people don’t know, they can’t ruin.”
~ Unknown
“There is something fundamental in the desire
to have a door to close, sealing out the rest of the world.”
~ Abby Geni, The Lightkeepers
“I don’t like to share my personal life.
It wouldn’t be personal if I shared it.”
~ George Clooney
“All violations of essential privacy are brutalizing.”
~ Katharine Fullerton Gerould
“Privacy is something you can sell,
but you can’t buy it back.”
~ Bob Dylan
“I think privacy is the last true luxury – to be able to
live your life as you choose without having everyone
comment on it or know about [it].”
~ Valerie Plame
“Privacy is dead,
and social media holds the smoking gun.”
~ Pete Cashmore
“I don’t know why people are so keen
to put the details of their private life in public;
they forget that invisibility is a superpower.”
~ Banksy
“Why should everything that happens
be the entire world’s business?”
~ Philip Wyeth, Reparations Maze
“Boundaries protect the things that are of value to you.
They keep you in alignment with what
you have decided you want in life.”
~ Adelyn Birch
“Boundary setting helps you prioritize your needs
over other people’s wants.”
~ Lauren Kenson
“Walls keep everybody out.
Boundaries teach them where the door is.”
~ Mark Groves
“Daring to set boundaries is about
having the courage to love ourselves
even when we risk disappointing others.”
~ Brené Brown
“Your personal boundaries protect the inner core
of your identity and your right to choices.”
~ Gerard Manley Hopkins
“Boundaries are basically about providing structure,
and structure is essential in building anything that thrives.”
~ Henry Cloud
“Boundaries are the lines we draw that mark off
our autonomy and that of other people,
that protect our privacy and that of others.”
~ Amy Bloom
“Having healthy boundaries not only requires
being able to say “no”, but also being willing
and able to enforce that “no” when necessary.”
~ Jessica Moore
“My boundaries communicate what I want
and don’t want in my relationships.
They are never an attempt to control anyone but myself.”
~ Unknown
“If someone gets mad at you for creating
a boundary, consider that a good sign
that the boundary was necessary.”
~ Jenna Korf
Until next time …
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