You guys know there’s always a story that prompts these types of posts, so let me give you the gossip real quick …
The other day, I was chatting with a friend over some liquid refreshments [ and no, it was not afternoon tea 😜😂], and she was telling me about a gentleman whom she recently started dating.
Their first few dates went splendidly – they had nice romantic dinners at a cozy restaurant several times, they took in a movie a couple times, and hey even went to the beach once. By the time her parents’ anniversary rolled around, they were already sweet on each other, so she invited him to their party.
And apparently that’s when things started to go downhill: according to her, his behavior the entire night was quite ‘surly’ – he sat alone in a corner most of the night, refused to dance with her, and barely engaged in conversation with others, answering in short phrases only when forced to do so. However, when she confronted him about it after leaving the party, he insisted that he wasn’t trying to be rude, and that he actually enjoyed meeting her family.
Mind you, this was not only his first time meeting her family (and in a situation like this, the poor guy had to have felt at least a little ganged up on), but it was also their first date in a social setting with others, so it was the first time she had really seen him interacting with a large group as opposed to a one-on-one situation where he is merely giving the waiter a dinner order or purchasing a movie ticket at the window.
Upon hearing this, I with my fast self {here in Trinidad, we call nosy people ‘fast’, pronounced ‘fah-sssss’ 🤷♀️🤣} decided to offer my two cents on the matter and suggested that said gentleman might not have been ‘surly’, but might simply be shy, or perhaps even a tad introverted; to which my friend responded (very sincerely) that he didn’t have a problem going out in public. 🧐
Which got me thinking. 🤔🤔🤔 And ultimately led to today’s post. 😏
And now that you’re all caught up …
The first question that came to my mind was What is the difference between someone who is Shy and someone who is Introverted?
Right off the bat it can be confusing as an introverted person can certainly also be shy, but a shy person is not necessarily an introvert.
Shyness is a mild to moderate form of social anxiety. The person typically fears being scrutinized by others and subsequently judged negatively. This anxiety makes them uncomfortable in social situations, especially those where they are forced to be the center of attention, such as public speaking; and in turn causes them to become quiet and withdrawn when dealing with others, especially with strangers. Some may even experience physical symptoms as a result of this anxiety, such as an increased heart rate, or breathlessness, or even a feeling of nausea.
However, a shy person can usually cope with the unease of social situations if they are allowed to interact at their own comfort level and not forced into the spotlight. On the other hand, an introverted person will typically be left physically, mentally, and emotionally drained after being in any type of social situation, even if they are allowed to remain in the ‘background’, and will need to retreat to a place of solitude in order to ‘recuperate’, i.e. to decompress from the anxiety and return to a place of mental and emotional equilibrium.
Unfortunately, many people seem to have this fantastical idea that all introverts are like Shrek, living alone in his swamp and yelling at everyone to stay away.
Now, it’s true that some introverts do indeed prefer the solitude of their own company – they may choose to avoid social situations altogether and seek out jobs where they can work remotely from the sanctuary of their homes. But there are also millions of introverted people who lead ‘normal’ lives – functioning children and adults who attend school / have a job at an office, interact with family and friends on a daily basis, and attend family / school / office events – and you would never guess that they do in fact qualify as introverts.
A 2011 study identified four main classifications of introversion: Social, Thinking, Anxious, and Inhibited; and further defined them as:
Social: prefers to spend time alone, or in the company of small groups with whom they are intimately acquainted, as opposed to mingling in larger gatherings.
Thinking: spends most of their time absorbed with their own thoughts and tend to have very active imaginations.
Anxious: feels shy or awkward in the company of others, and may spend an inordinate amount of time dwelling on past experiences or imagining future ones.
Inhibited: guards their thoughts and feelings, and act only after careful consideration as opposed to doing things on impulse.
Side note: The same study recorded in its conclusion that ‘The results for the Thinking factor raise the question of whether or not it should be considered a domain of introversion at all.’
However, based on their results, it shows that even introverted persons are able to form and maintain active social lives. Which then begs the question: How do you know if you, or someone you know, may be an introvert?
There are several general traits which most, if not all, introverts have in common:
– Enjoys solitude, and doesn’t feel the need to interact with others
– Has a very small circle of friends
– Avoids group activities and large gatherings whenever possible
– Is very private and shows reluctance in opening up to others
– Prefers to observe rather than join in the conversation
– Is very reflective and self-aware
– Is better able to articulate their thoughts on paper than verbally
– Gets ‘lost’ in their own thoughts or working on a project
– Takes time to make decisions and doesn’t act impulsively
– Becomes distracted when confronted with a surplus of external stimuli
– Feels drained after being in most social situations
– Needs solitude in order to reenergize
If you can relate to most / all of these, then chances are you may be an introvert.
However, if none of them hit home for you personally but you can recognize most / all of these traits in someone you know, then there’s a good chance that person may be an introvert.
Which brings us around to another important topic we need to discuss: How to deal with an introverted person.
Introversion isn’t a sickness that can be cured, and neither can you build up an immunity to it by overexposure. It’s a personality trait which exists within the broader continuum of Extraversion – in other words, it’s who you are and how you are wired.
But it isn’t always easy for someone who leans more to the extroverted side of the continuum to deal with an introverted person, and sometimes it can be downright confusing – the same person who was the life of the party when your inner circle had drinks the other night suddenly turns into a clam at the office Christmas party and spends the night standing alone in a corner.
So it’s important for us to learn to 1) recognize and 2) understand and accommodate the behavioral traits of someone who is introverted.
Here, I would say there are two main things you need to remember when dealing with an introvert:
The first is that their aversion to social interaction has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you, so you should never take it personally if they decline your invitation to hang out, or they choose not to pick up your call but send you a text instead.
Recognize that their need for solitude is a part of who they are, and allow them that space without the price tag of guilt. Don’t point out that they also skipped your last party, and don’t try to shame them by listing off all the people who were there.
Imagine how you would feel if you followed up your gym workout with a 10-mile run on the treadmill. Now imagine feeling like that just from having to make small talk with the folks at your neighbor’s backyard barbeque. If you wouldn’t hit both the gym and the treadmill because it would leave you feeling too drained to be useful even to yourself, why would you ask an introverted person to put themselves in a situation which leaves them feeling that exact same way???
{And yes, I know that some of you may do that much and more in a typical workout, but I’m only referring to us regular folks, not y’all T-3000s!!! 😝🙃😆}
The second is that you cannot ‘fix’ an introvert.
An introvert is not broken! They merely exist on a different spectrum of the extraversion continuum than you. Therefore, attempting to ‘acclimatize’ them to social settings involving large groups or trying to ‘pry them open’ by bullying or shaming them into being more outgoing isn’t going to work. Rather, what it will do is cost you a friend as that person is likely going to avoid you as much as is humanly possible in the future.
Instead, try adapting your approach to suit the needs of your friend. If they don’t like large gatherings, find things that you can do one-on-one, or in small intimate groups. If they aren’t big on phone calls, text them instead. And allow them time to craft their response. It’s not because they’re being crafty, or shifty, or deceptive; it’s because they’re trying to find the right words to express themselves so they can convey their thoughts clearly and there is no misunderstanding between you.
At the end of the day, it’s important to recognize that an introvert cannot change who they are, the same way a tiger can’t wake up one day and decide he wants polka dots instead of stripes. But we can change how we interact with the introverted people in our lives in order to lessen their anxiety and make it easier for them to interact with us.
I mean, why not? We already change our speech and mannerisms on a daily basis to accommodate the various situations in our life, often without even realizing it – I would typically greet my girlfriend at the bar with a “Hey, bitch!”, and we would both know that it was meant in a joking and loving manner; but I won’t even use the S-word around my two-year-old niece, and not just because her parents would cheerfully slit my throat for doing so. 🙃🤡
And before you go, be sure to check out our line of journals and planners HERE.
Until next time…
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