We have a saying here: “See me and live with me is two different things.”
Trinis typically use it to mean that someone might seem like a stunning butterfly when you first meet them, but after moving in together you discover that they’re just a regular everyday moth. 🥴🙃
But I believe this little adage also fits this situation to a tee. You see, this is a problem most couples face once they begin to cohabitate.
It’s basically the equivalent of two young people starting out in the world sharing an apartment and suddenly discovering that they’re living with a roommate from hell (except when you’re a couple there’s the possibility of some occasional seggs thrown in 🤪😂).
The truth is, it isn’t easy to blend two individual lifestyles into a harmonious living arrangement, especially if those two lifestyles happen to differ greatly.
Story time:
Marc and I had both been living our happy single lives for some time before we officially became a couple.
Upon taking our relationship into the realm of the physical, it wasn’t unusual for one of us to occasionally spend a night at the other’s place.
We would pack our little overnight bags, making sure to remember our toothbrush and a pair of clean underwear, and we would head out to work that morning, making sure to unplug all the small appliances and walk with our phone chargers since we wouldn’t be returning home until the following evening.
BUT
We would always return home the following evening; and we would always have that little overnight bag and our phone charger with us.
Fast forward a few months and the overnight stays have become more frequent. So, we put our heads together and, thanks to the infinite wisdom spawned from that action, realized that we could save ourselves a bunch of doubloons if we pooled our resources by moving in together.
So, we did.
But here’s the thing:
Marc is an ‘everything has a place and everything in its place’ kinda person.
Me? Not so much. My bedroom door was basically my jeans rack, and the Elliptical machine that I absolutely had to have was my unofficial second closet.
Needless to say, my eyeballs were exhausted from all the eyerolling they did during those first few months of cohabitation when it seemed like all I heard was reminders about where things should go and how things should be done.
And I’m pretty sure Marc had a minor stroke on the daily thanks to me accidentally leaving things in the wrong place on purpose in an attempt to prove to him just how ridiculous a human being he was.
Fast forward another couple months and my darling and I found ourselves in a doozy of a fight one night because I had dared to throw a pair of my jeans into the washing machine with his tee shirts, a seemingly innocuous action which ultimately led to us questioning whether there was even a future for our relationship.
But, after each sleeping alone for the first time in weeks, we met at the breakfast table the following morning, and we both felt silly and ashamed of the way we had behaved the previous night. And instead of nagging and bitching about how things should be, or playing stupid childish games just to provoke the other, we finally decided to act like adults and have a real conversation about what we expected from our cohabitation experience.
We agreed that while we were used to two different lifestyles, it was necessary for us to each make some compromises so that we could both be comfortable in our new shared home.
Now, I hang my jeans in the closet like ‘a civilized person’, and Marc no longer has a meltdown if the ice trays aren’t color coordinated inside the freezer.
{Okay, that last bit was just me being facetious. All of our ice trays are just plain ol’ white. 😉 But you get the point. 😁}
So, my advice to Annalisa is this:
Don’t second guess your entire marriage because you two can’t agree on whether the spice rack should be arranged alphabetically or according to flavor palette.
And don’t throw in the towel just because things might not currently be going as expected.
The fact that you guys loved each other enough to want to make your union a permanent one means your relationship is worth fighting for.
A lot of people step into their marriages with preconceived notions of what and how it should be based on their experience with other real-life couples they admire, or even the romanticized ideals in books and movies / TV shows.
But each couple is different because the individuals who make up that couple are different, and therefore each marriage / cohabitation will be different.
So. while the newlyweds who moved in next door may have easily developed a seamless Saturday morning routine of sharing the household chores before sitting down to a nice healthy lunch on the back patio, the same will never be true for you if your spouse has to work on a Saturday.
Instead of worrying that you may have made a mistake and allowing that fear to grow and fester unchecked, sit down with your new hubby and express your concerns to him in a non-judgmental and non-confrontational manner; discuss the changes / adjustments that you both have had to make since moving into together, as well as the changes / adjustments you each would like to incorporate in order to make your new home someplace you can both feel comfortable.
Acknowledging the fact that he too has had to make changes in his life is important, as is listening with an open mind to the things he may also wish to change, because it will show him that you aren’t asking him to solely make changes for your benefit, but rather suggesting a shared effort that will enhance your relationship and enrich your married life going forward.
Simply put, you both need to take an objective look at your new living arrangement to identify any issues you may be having and discover the root of those problems, and then set ego aside and be willing to make certain compromises in order to turn your new house into a warm marital home.
And because she said it much better than I could ever hope to, I’m going to leave you with this quote from Barbera De Angelis:
“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
It isn’t something you get.
It’s something you do.
It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
That’s my take on the subject. Let me know if you agree / disagree in the comments.
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Until next time…
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