My answer: “Hell no!!!”
Well, that was easy. 😎 So, what y’all got planned for the rest of the day?
I know what Imma be doing:
Okay. I’m just playing. Y’all know I can’t leave it at that [even if a certain dragon lady wouldn’t have my head 🤪😂].
In all seriousness, my answer really is No, I do not blame Tessa one itty bitty little bit for doing what she did.
First off, sex is not ‘comfort’.
Sex is two sweaty bodies climbing into awkward positions to bump uglies. It’s basically a workout, just with a different kind of equipment. 🙃
Tessa’s boyfriend and sister could have sought comfort from each other in numerous different ways: praying together, crying together, simply being there for each other so the other person isn’t left alone with their fears, etc. By doing the naughty, what they were actually doing is distracting themselves, not comforting each other.
You don’t comfort your grandmother after grampa’s death by boinking her!
Now, I know some people think it’s impossible to have sex with someone you’re not physically attracted to, but it really isn’t. Sex workers will tell you they do it on a daily basis; because to them it’s just a job, no different to a personal trainer assisting a random gym-goer with their form, or a masseuse performing their duty at a spa. So the fact that the boyfriend and sister did this deed once doesn’t necessarily mean that they were just biding their time and waiting for an opportunity to fall into bed together.
However, the fact that they both allowed this deed to occur while knowing full well that Tessa and her boyfriend were in a monogamous relationship, and then chose to conceal it from her for three months in order to ‘spare her feelings’ as they claimed, means they are individually and collectively responsible for breaching the trust she placed in them.
Hiding the truth from someone may not be as malicious as telling them an outright lie, but it is an equivalent deception. In both instances, you’re deceiving that person by allowing them to believe something that isn’t real.
And losing trust in someone close to us can sometimes be as painful for us to bear as an actual death.
Even though that person may still physically be here, thereby allowing us the opportunity to restore our relationship with them at some point, in the moment it can feel like we lost them because in a sense we did. They’re no longer the loyal sister and faithful boyfriend we once saw them as, but strangers who would willingly do something they knew would cause us immense heartache.
And a breakup – whether it’s with a romantic partner, a close friend, or a family member – requires that we go through the same stages of healing as with the loss of a loved one: the period of grief where it seems like we’ll never stop crying, the hurt as we begin to tuck away the memories that once brought us so much joy, and the loneliness as we finally begin to move forward in a new life without that person.
The following quote expresses this sentiment far better than I could ever hope to:
[Although the original context was not the same, I believe it applies to all wounds.]
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree.
The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone.”
― Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
So, my advice to Tessa is this:
I don’t think anyone would blame you for breaking up with your boyfriend.
Yes, there are couples who go through issues with infidelity and come out stronger on the other side, but the decision to forgive and move forward together as a couple is something that has to come from both parties.
But that decision is not something that should be made lightly because it requires a lot of work and it takes a huge toll on both parties involved, particularly so the partner who was cheated on.
So if you genuinely feel that the relationship was not worth the mental and emotional effort required to save it, then you’re doing yourself a favor by ending it now rather than trying to salvage it while spending your time secretly resenting that person, only to break up with them a year down the road and realize that you wasted an entire year of your life on something that wasn’t benefitting you mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.
And I know you have people in your life telling you that it’s not worth losing your sister over, and that you should make up with her.
But the reality is you owe your sister nothing!
The ugly truth is that she showed no sisterly loyalty by doing what she did, and she wasn’t trying to spare you by hiding it but rather avoiding the fallout that would result from her actions once you learned the truth.
Had this been anyone else besides a family member, no one would blame you for cutting ties with that person.
But here’s the thing: we don’t get to choose the people we’re related to. Do you think Ted Bundy’s cousin would’ve chosen to be Ted Bundy’s cousin if he had been given any choice in the matter?
However, we do get to choose the people we keep in our life, and how much access we grant them.
Consider your friends: there are those you engage with at the office but would make some excuse to avoid having dinner with, those you would hang out with at a party but wouldn’t invite into your home, and then there are your ride or dies – the ones you allow into the inner sanctum of your soul, the ones who know all your hopes and dreams and desires and fears as well as all of your dark n dirty secrets, including the licorice you shoplifted when you were five.
Unfortunately, your sister’s actions proved she isn’t a ride or die. If she were, she would have said “Dude, you ain’t my man, you ain’t getting in my drawers!” She would have looked out for you by coming to you at an appropriate time and clueing you in as to just how little your boyfriend could be trusted to keep your heart safe.
And I know some people will say you shouldn’t let a man come between you and your sister, especially since neither of you are going to end up with that man. But it’s not about him.
It’s about whether or not you believe you can trust your sister.
And that kind of betrayal isn’t easy to bounce back from.
When one suffers such a devastating heartbreak, it can take years for us to come to terms with our thoughts and emotions to a sufficient degree that we’re finally able to forgive that person. And even then, it doesn’t mean that we’re willing to open ourself up to the possibility that another betrayal might find us enduring that same kind of pain all over again.
You see, we may have grown and evolved enough that we’re able to forgive that person the wrong they did us, but it doesn’t mean that person has also changed;, and if they’re the same old John or Jill they’ve always been, the likelihood of them hurting us again is very real.
So don’t let anyone coerce you into doing something you’re not ready / willing to.
If you feel you need to cut your sister out of your life while you make peace with what went down, then you are well within your rights to do so. And if you get to a point where you feel that you can forgive her but are still unwilling to let her back into your life, then that’s fine too.
The important thing is that you find some way to make peace with it. Truly make peace with it. Not just cutting them out of your life and thinking of them with bitterness whenever you remember what happened.
But making peace with a hurt is an extremely difficult thing to do, so don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t gotten there yet, and don’t try to rush the process. It can take years for us to heal from emotional trauma, and the sad truth is that sometimes it can leave scars that will never go away.
The most important thing I want you to remember is that their actions had nothing to do with you. What they did was wholly on them, and was in no way a reflection of your worth either as a sister or a girlfriend.
You are a diamond, and don’t you dare allow anyone to dull your shine! 💞
That’s my take on the subject. Let me know if you agree / disagree in the comments.
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Until next time…
