I personally have no problem with an open relationship, but the old adage ‘One man’s meat is another’s poison‘ exists for a reason.
Not everything is for everyone. In the same way one couple might enjoy BDSM while another wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole, entering into an open relationship may be the right path for some couples while it can lead to disaster for others. And, as with every aspect of a relationship, there are a lot of factors that both partners need to take into consideration before making that final decision.
First off, what exactly is an ‘open relationship’?
An open relationship is when both partners agree to remain in a committed relationship with each other while at the same time allowing each other the freedom to have other partners outside of that core union.
And as with everything, it has its proponents and detractors. Some consider it an abomination, while others argue that monogamy isn’t in our DNA. One camp maintains that it eliminates the potential for cheating if partners are allowed to date other people, while another calls it a mockery, particularly in the case of a married couple.
However, the most important part of the phrase is the word ‘relationship’.
Some people confuse casual dating with being in an open relationship.
Many of us make the presumption that a handful of fabulous dates, or even three months’ worth of amazing dates, automatically means you’re ‘going steady’ with your new boo. NOT TRUE!!! Unless you and said boo have had a conversation regarding exclusivity in the relationship, and have both explicitly stated that you have no desire to date other people, DON’T ASSUME.
I can never stress enough how important communication is in a relationship. But it is equally vital, if not even more so, for a potential one.
A lot of us prefer to leave the heavy topics on the back burner when we meet someone new, not wanting to scare them away by asking if they are open to the idea of marriage, or whether they want to have children and if so how many. But if we leave those heavy topics unaddressed for too long, we run the risk of waking up one day and realizing that we’ve spent the past year investing ourselves in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same things out of life that we do.
The same goes for exclusivity.
Naturally, you don’t want to whip out the topic in the middle of dinner on your first date. Neither do you want to wait a year to find out if the relationship is going somewhere. If after a few weeks of dating you realize that you’re willing to make an investment in that person, then it’s time to broach the subject.
I know this can be a terrifying prospect, especially so for some of us ladies as some men tend to view this kind of assertiveness as ‘overly aggressive’. But the reality is that our time and emotions are precious commodities, and we should be investing them in a relationship that will yield the best returns. (And that applies to ALL of us, not just the ladies!) In other words, no one wants to find out six months into their exciting new relationship that their boo was only in it casually and has been dating three other people the whole time.
That type of miscommunication generally leads to feelings of hurt and betrayal, accusations of cheating, and usually results in a messy split. So don’t be afraid to ask exactly where you stand in a new relationship. If it’s merely a casual thing, you have the option to continue and see where it goes, OR break it off and look for something more serious.
But be sure to include the possibility of an open relationship in your discussion.
[Here’s where you shout “But, Mandy, I don’t want an open relationship!“]
And yes, I hear ya. But the point is to find out what your new boo wants.
Most of us know off the bat if an open relationship is something we would be comfortable with or not. So if you find out your potential partner wants an open relationship and you know that’s not for you, you have the option to end it before investing more time and energy into something that will ultimately prove unfulfilling to your needs.
But if you’re on the fence, remember that there’s more to consider than just the physical aspect of it.
As I’ve mentioned before, sex is often an outward expression of a deeper emotion.
Now, obviously I’m not talking about a ‘hook up’. Sometimes, sex is just that: grown-ass folks enjoying some physical pleasure. And that’s perfectly normal and fine. It happens even in marriages or committed relationships. There are times when we don’t want all the fanfare that goes with ‘making love’ – we just want to scratch an itch. 😇😈😂
However, in a loving and healthy relationship, sex is typically viewed as a physical expression of that love, a chance to connect with your partner on an intimate level. Conversely, some people cheat because they feel neglected or unappreciated by their partner, and in those cases, the act of sexual intercourse is usually the physical manifestation of their attempt to replicate the emotional connection and intimacy they feel is missing in their relationship.
In an open relationship, that physical aspect could be a result of any of the above.
Unless you and your significant other have laid down specific rules about limiting sexual activity outside of that core union to established relationships with additional partners, then there is the implicit understanding that hook ups are permissible.
On the flip side, you also have to remember that sex with someone else could be an expression of their love for that person and not just a casual hook up. Granting each other the freedom to see other people means your partner will likely end up connecting with someone else on an emotional level, either in a manner similar to your own relationship or in a way that seems the polar opposite.
By that I mean they could find another partner with whom they share many of the same interests they already have in common with you, OR they could find someone with whom they feel comfortable doing the things you’re not into, whether it be something as frivolous as riding a roller coaster or as intimate as pegging.
Whichever is true, if you agree to an open relationship, you have to be prepared to share your partner not only in a physical way, but also on an emotional level. And doing so requires a level of trust and commitment which goes wayyyy beyond that of a one-on-one relationship.
The most common fear is “What if they love the other person more than me?”
But let’s be realistic here: there is always a possibility that, regardless of how much your partner loves you, they may find someone with whom they connect on a much deeper level. How many times have marriages / relationships ended and one partner is left confused, telling their family and friends “I don’t know what happened. I thought we were happy.”
The truth is that while you may have been happy as a couple for the most part, your partner was not 100% satisfied with what they were getting out of the relationship. And I know that sucks to hear. Believe me, I’ve been the one in the position of having it said to me, so I know what a devastating blow it can be.
But this is where proponents of an open relationship argue in favor of its validity.
In an open relationship, your partner is able to find whatever they may feel is ‘missing’ from your relationship with someone else, while at the same time remaining committed to you and the love that you have built as a couple.
And here is where detractors would argue “You can’t love more than one person at a time.”
This I do not believe.
Parents with six children don’t love #6 any less than they do #1, just as the parents of six children don’t love any of those six kids less than the parents of an only child would love theirs. Likewise, someone with five siblings doesn’t love each of them less than someone with only one sister would love her. A person with three dogs doesn’t love their pups any less when they get a cat.
Why? Because we are not given a limited quantity of love to spread throughout our life. We don’t need to pinch off a little bit of the love we have for our OG BFF in order to give it to our new work-bestie. We can love them both at the same time, and can enjoy their company in similar or totally different ways without one impinging on the other. So, if it’s a widely accepted and acceptable belief that we have an unlimited amount of love to divvy up among all these platonic relationships in our life, why is it so wholly unimaginable to some that a person can feel romantic love for two or more people at the same time?
I won’t go any further into the arguments about monogamy as that’s a whole post in itself, so back to the topic of open relationships ->
If your relationship is already established as a monogamous one, then finding out that your partner is interested in dating other people can be devastating.
It’s natural for your fears and doubts to launch themselves into overdrive if your significant other tells you out of the blue that they want to see other people. If an open relationship is not something you have ever discussed with your partner, or even considered in the remotest part of your consciousness, then the first thing you need to do is shut up, take a step back, and allow yourself a minute to process this, preferably without letting your paranoia suck the soul from your body.
You don’t want to say something hurtful or spiteful simply because you’re in shock, because whatever you say in that moment might end up being something you will regret under a cooler head. Instead, express to your partner in the calmest way possible that you feel blindsided by their request and need some time to digest it, and that you would be willing to revisit the topic and in a better frame of mind to discuss it once the shock has worn off.
Listen to their reasons without judgment or condemnation.
If it turns out your beloved boo is a lowdown dirty POS who’s only using an open relationship as an excuse to bang the new receptionist at their office, then tie that piece of garbage up with a big old bow and send them off to be someone else’s problem. But if it turns out your boo has legitimate needs which they feel are not being met, find out if there is a middle ground upon which you can build a 2.0 version of your relationship without opening it up to other people.
What does that mean? Let’s just say I recently had an eye-opening conversation with a wife who had recently purchased a strap-on in order to fulfill the needs which her husband had been depriving himself of for the past four years, since they first began dating.
Of course, only you can know how far into that middle ground you’re willing to tread in order to hold on to your relationship. Just as only you can know whether entering into an open relationship, even on a trial basis, is something you are mentally and emotionally prepared to do.
I can’t tell you what to do in such a situation any more than I can tell you to engage in spanking because the neighbor likes it. Each individual has to know their own mind, heart, and soul; to know what is right for them. So the best advice I can offer is to calmly and rationally weigh all of the pros and cons, try to envision every possible scenario under the harsh light of day and picture how you would handle it both tangibly and emotionally, and then decide for yourself whether or not you are capable of committing to an open relationship.
But that’s my take on the subject. Feel free to let me know if you agree / disagree in the comments.
Until next time…
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